I woke up this morning craving spaghetti. Spaghetti and coffee to be exact. However, out of laziness I opted for a quesadilla and cup of overly sweetened Jo. I should have known then and there that this day was going to go nowhere. I sat there eating my odd choice of breakfast food while catching up on some blog reading, neglecting the fact that I still hadn't showered. Don't worry, I eventually get around to that part. And it was nice... but something that I had been mulling over the past couple of days in my anything but average mind crept back into view, but I chose to think no more on the subject; pushing it aside for another day.
I managed to somehow pull my lazy bum out of my desk chair and go on run. The weather was beautiful, the overcast provided the perfect amount of chill to the air, perfect for sitting outside that is, not running. LET IT BE KNOWN: Cold air + running = a living hell for Caitlin's lungs, and it wasn't long before I was ready to keel over on the sidewalk. Once I eventually made it back to home base, I showered, and that silly little thought crept back into my head. I made some more food -let's ignore the amount of food I consume on a daily basis- and once again found myself in front of my laptop with every intention of writing a style post over a darling outfit I wore yesterday. Instead, this happened/is happening, what have you.
As of late I feel as if I hadn't been myself... and let me tell you that is a horrible place to be. I came to a slow realization of this, and today I think I subconsciously chose to remedy it. The blogging world is wonderful, but underneath all the "genuine" posts that are intended to provide some sort of answers to questions, that we as readers may have concerning a certain topic, there is something else at work. I hadn't really noticed it making an appearance in my life, until recently. See, when we open ourselves up to the blogging world we have the option to choose how we come across. "But don't paint me like the good guy because every I time I write I get to choose the angle that you view me and select the nicest light" (Watsky) Those words had never had such relevance. When was the last time you saw someone post their bad hair day? Or pictures of them in anything less than their best?
Now don't get me wrong, I understand why we do this. Why would we want to put something out there that we could be criticized for? We seek to be loved. Plain and simple. We put the best version of ourselves out there and pray that people acknowledge just how awesome we are. We hide behind these images and take on personas that never should have belonged to us in the first place. And that is what I mean by saying I haven't been myself.
When I read through blogs... I get the notion that I am not quite enough. That I'm not beautiful unless I contour my face this way, or unless my hair falls perfectly every single stupid day. I find new tips to make myself more attractive, and by golly I hop on them without a second thought because as I've learned from reading, I obviously haven't reached perfection yet. And it is exhausting. Yesterday I looked hella good, and I felt as if I almost achieved a look many of my favourite bloggers would be proud of, but I also had a hella amount of make-up on. It was so heavy and I felt tired all day, and I think that is when I began to realize I wasn't the Caitlin I once knew.
So here I am. Hair still wet from my shower, and nothing gracing my skin except for a bit of moisturizer and some acne medication for this mountainous pimple smack dab in the middle of my forehead. But holy crap am I beautiful, and I mean that in the least vain way possible. Seeing myself for the first time in who knows how long, in my own skin is so refreshing and I feel awesome. I'm getting nothing accomplished, and I'm eating my weight in food, but LA-DEE-FREAKIN-DA, I could honestly care less. Today I am not shaking hands and making plans. Today, I'm going back to my roots and taking in the Caitlin that has been absent for far too long, and putting away the guise that I had come to accept as myself.
Come to think of it, that is one hell of an accomplishment. I am me, and I am breaking every single rule I had put in place for myself over the past couple of months, and I'm rocking it. So it turns out this day has not been in vain after all.
Moral of the story, spaghetti and coffee can do a whole lotta good in your life.
|Like your face and wear it.|
|I am Caitlin Kline, and this is Walter the Poisonous Water Buffalo, and we approve this message.|